“The Looming Spectre of Animal Insurgency”

  by Tom Larsen, 1989

             Flagrant and wanton disregard for societal norms—that’s what it is! A scourge so pervasive it reaches every corner of the global village threatening to destroy the very conditions of environmental harmony we’ve recently struggled so hard to establish. It is the looming spectre of animal insurgency and it must be eradicated if we are ever to attain a world free of cruelty and exploitation.

            Selflessly we have fought for the rights of these animals. Valiantly we have included them in the ongoing movement for the emancipation of Mother Earth. We have lobbied tirelessly for their equal protection under the law, demanding that stiff penalties be applied when and wherever they are abused. We have halted many areas of animal medical testing and are making great strides towards the impostion of compulsory worldwide vegetarianism. One might hope for even a slight show of appreciation on the part of this liberated contituency. Yet, sadly, a bigger bunch of ingrates can hardly be imagined. It seems our fine, furry friends are taking their newly won moral equivalency sorely for granted.

            Robert Wright, a noted writer and enviro-ethics observer recently noted with succinctness, “The idea of individual rights is simply a non-agression pact among everyone who subscribes to it.” In this case it may be true that animals have never officially subscribed to such a pact … . But we are certain they would if they could. The point is we have granted them these rights and it is now incumbent upon them to behave responsibly, and in so doing, recognize the rights of others.

            But this is not happening. On the contrary, gross patterns of injustice are being discerned throughout the animal kingdom and it is becoming all too apparent that Nature Herself is in dire need of some correction.

            Among the many reprehensible acts being commited under the guise of “instinct”, murder is most widespread and obvious. Indeed we are surrounded by the carnage of this inter-species warfare. Fish are eating fish, wolves are attacking rabbits, owls are plundering mice… . And rarely is this incessant shedding of innocent blood swift or painless. Rather we see all sorts of sadistic variations, such as those exhibited by various members of the feline family, who, not content merely to kill and eat their prey, must sportingly torment it for up to an hour beforehand.

            There are other crimes. Thievery and hording for private gain are common traits among the squirrel population. And there are the crude insensitivities of vultures who have little or no respect for the dead.

            Racism and sexism are not exempt from the roster of mammalian misconduct. Dogs routinely exhibit racist behavior with their open assalts on neighborhood cats. Even the much beloved dolphin shows elitist tendencies with its proclivity towards shunning the company of sharks and killer whales.

            Sexism among cows is a veritable horror to behold. The bull in this situation seems to think he can have his way with any cow in the herd—ANYTIME HE WANTS!—and it is not uncommon for a bull to have his way with several cows, one after another, all in the same day! (A sort of reverse sexism exists among spiders wherein the black-widow actually murders and eats her mate after intercourse. But since we have not fully addressed the rights of insects in our society, the issue will be left for a later time. A thought comes to mind, however, which may be useful for that future discussion. In the case of the black-widow an exception may be considered whereby the spider’s treacherous behavior may be allowed in lieu of the past wrongs commited by men of the human species against women of the same. In fact, a sort of cross-species affirmative-action approach might allow for the actual enforcement and subsidation of the black-widow’s activities. It might be stretching the point to suggest that the National Endowment for the Arts be involved, but the symoblism of the act itself—a black widow subsidised to murder men in order to rectify historical sexism—surely deserves grant consideration.) One thing is clear. To begin to address these disturbing problems, a vast array of new federal, state and local government agencies must be formed. Following that, a mammoth body of progressive legislation must be enacted to initiate the corrective measures that will be required to effect the mainstreaming of aberrant animal individuals into the ranks of productive society. In the meantime, we will need to start identifying and interning the troublemaking species. Punitive actions may be necessary at first, but hopefully these social misfits can experience rehabilitation through various behavioral modification techniques and other more specialized re-education programs.

            Bearing the seriousness of this dilemma in mind it still behooves (no pun intended) us to remember that our mission is one based upon compassion, altruism and pre-eminet concern for the sensitivities of all sentient beings. In light of this spirit it may be suggested that we dispose of the inherently condescending term “animal” altogether. Let us, in fact, refer to all creatures, great and small, as humans. Species-distinction ought to join class-distinction in the dustbin of social history, if we are ever going to achieve a true, egalitarian society. But a word to the wise … .

            Those “hunans” (previously known as “animals”) who want to continue to enjoy their newly acquired rights of citizenship—-DAMN WELL BETTER ABIDE BY THE RULES!